TO MY JET

My tear had never rolled down my cheeks for no man, and yet it welled down like a newly formed spring; to say I have never cried for or over a man is untrue, for I did to my one love, but that happened when he was gone, gone and never to come back…I loved him and have never loved again until my JET came my way; not to stay, but rather to awaken my feelings that had been long put to sleep. A sleep I did not want it to wake from unless it was gonna stay. It took me years to put it to sleep, for it to be rudely awakened for just a day, a week…the most unkind sleep interference. Will it take me another year or so;-fate will determine

I feel shattered, can I sit and get swallowed in my work without the hard truth staring at me, No! We face each other eye to eye. Is this what it means to love; why does it have to be now? How did it even happen, I just realised it was up, and dancing away with joy…until then I have to put my feelings to sleep…

Have you ever been in a galaxy to behold the beauty of the world? With nothing to worry you because you are happy?

Happiness and peace is what I can describe what I felt when I decided to open my mind to what my heart had been pondering on for a few days. Yes, a few days…short it might sound; but days enough to know what it really is…Infatuation, lust, one might think…but no…his manhood will stay untouched for what I feel is beyond that.

I am known to speak up! Will I let this opportunity pass? I thought no until the biggest NO rang in my ears for a good solid reason for uncertainty from my JET! Yes, he is my JET, a soul that will live within me, even when fate sweeps me far away from him? Will I forget him, Never, will I coerce him and convince him, that is not how it works… maybe my strong opinion against the union of man and wife called marriage might as well have gone down the drain the moment he crossed my path? I did not see this coming! You will at this point call me foolish! Follow your heart’s desire!... I would do anything to do that only if my JET shared the slightest feeling that I have for him, Alas his heart is following another…Does that matter, run after him and make your JET see inside you, let him realise what is in front of him, make him appreciate; I wish I could;-my energy is drained; the reality is so strong that time flies by and I take no note; the beautiful sun entering her cave makes no meaning; the stars twinkling makes no delight anymore, I am like a mother mourning her child. The world just stopped rotating…I can’t make a step, yet I would want to throw myself at my lovely JET and weep hard. Maybe then, he will look into my eyes that he has never seen and realise that I love him and I am just not saying it, neither am I after materials. I have told him so, but did it sway him No, he is not new to women swooning at his sight, so will I make a difference, No.

My dreams to make a good wife died with my first love a long time ago, and here I am ready to rebuild what pieces is left of me.

If I spoke to his mother, will she understand where all this is coming from? Will she make her son see me? I am here and yet so invisible…that is sometimes the way of life

I ponder to myself, is it because I mothered two children already, and someone so fresh like my JET would feel tainted all over by having me close by him? I cannot answer, and neither will he, for even when he does; he might want to make no further damage and will be kind to say, that is not the reason, “I am just not sure”…really? I will ask myself a million times, for I believe, if you have the slightest interest, you will give it a chance while you pursue your love, the love of your life! Will this make life more complicated for my JET, yes…but he would…Rejection in the face of love feels like the end to life….Are you sick? Is everything ok?...yes the questions keep coming and I look up with eyes all red and force a smile that looks unreal and politely say yes, everything is fine…I did tell my JET, I didn’t want to ever meet him…that is how I felt at the time, I didn’t know whether keeping quiet or keeping him around would do…he will be one of my very good friends…I will work on the affection and imagine he is my blood brother…I will support him in his desires for that is unconditional love…I have no strings attached and all I wish him is his heart’s desires and world’s dream be answered. May he be the man he has always wanted to be!

Will I spoil the relationship we already had, not for anything in the world! You will remain that person besides my mother whom I can talk to about anything! I mean anything! Glad you can accommodate me! I will be chattering away!

Forever I will love you! Agape, Philia it will be!

Right after this letter to JET!

Did I even chatter away like my heart and head were coercing me to. I went numb, no muscle moved. It remained like that for many many months…it was never the little things you got for those kiddos that got me, it was never about what you placed on my table…I am hardly moved by physical things…It was your beautiful heart that got me JET…the heart that you chose to give to many others out there…Today I must say thank you…I became whole again and lived! You should see me today, brighter than anything you can imagine and my heart is light again…Send over the stick biscuits

AYENYO Joanita