TO MY UNBORN BABIES

The most beautiful things on this planet are felt inside the heart! They are loved selflessly and unconditionally like a mother’s love.

To you my unborn child, you are that special thing. I yearn every day to hold you yet I cannot hold you

Could I be a coward?

Could I be weak?

Maybe both

I am so disturbed and I have been greatly affected by childbirth of your siblings.

See when I conceived your sister, I fell so ill

Nobody believed I was that ill, except my mother

Even the medical professionals wagged their dirty fingers at me for seeking attention and pretending

Saying it was all in my head

My relations were not any better

They yanked me out of bed

Yelled at me to get up

Some citing how they always found themselves happy on the mango trees

Since their craving for sour always took the better part of them when pregnant

They whispered behind my back

I was so sick that the few who knew I was expecting including the sperm donor took to the streets that I was suffering from an abortion effect

That my suffering, my pain, my claimed sickness was the effect of the abortion!

I struggled every day

My momma, my sweet momma, only left my side when she had to

She nursed me until my body accepted your sister

The retching, gagging, vomiting finally stopped, by then I had lost so much weight!

The sickness literally stopped at once

Then the world was ashamed especially those who wagged their tongues and fingers

I bred her with pride

Even when she sent a tunnel of flame up my chest; that was manageable

Then your brother came along the way

I had been assured and reassured and counseled that I would be fine when the next one was planted

It was a lie

A FAT WHITE LIE!

I suffered even more

I carry the marks to date

Like a drug addict

We survived on fluids from the hospital

Everything came back double what I took

So bitter that my mouth never tasted anything besides the bitterness for days on end

This affected me deeper

Is that what it meant to bring life?

I wanted to make the sacrifice and have many of you, but I had, have become a coward

I still am a coward

I pray for one who will not be like the two

But what if this is my way?

I know I will woman up and have more

I love holding your kind not only in my heart but in my arms

I long for that day when I will feel your softness against my body

When I will kiss your faces and clean you up

I long for days when we shall innocently make faces and follow one another’s sound

I long to feed you all

But I am a beaten at my game

I do not want to go through that hell hole again

Yet is worth it

I will woman up, one day and the storm will pass like all the others

If only my society knew that there are people like me

People who go through a lot when they are tasked with bringing life forth

That these people lose themselves in the whole process,

24 hours of feeling extremely sick!

They cannot stomach anything,

Their noses turn up automatically

For everything in and around the house triggers vomit

Sending them throwing up by the minute

Food and water become enemies!

Honestly who doesn’t want to eat for months on end, who?

For some it is in the first trimester that they are relieved from this “death”!

 For some by the first week, second week they are already rolling in their beds

Even before the body starts any serious prepping

None visible in the eyes of science and man

 That early, they feel like death already.

While others this feeling goes away only in the second trimester

Others until delivery and yet a few more, it follows them on even after birth for some months.  Life can be unfair to others!

This sickness has a name

It is called HYPEREMESIS GRAVIDARUM, HG as known by the sufferers

Very few medics are aware of it or even know how to make a momma feel better than shit

It is very draining as many are cut off from daily activities, we celebrate taking a bath, brushing our teeth or hair

Only 1 to 2% of mothers suffer from HG globally

Yet of all those HG pregnancies, 1 of 3 are lost

Imagine the pain from the sickness and then from losing you

We want to hold you in our arms and love you deeply

But what are we left with, your presence in our hearts

Only us know that you existed, and you will remain our child forever…known by just us especially if you come out before a bump!

I pray I can woman up with a loving partner beside me

Maybe that way, It won’t treat me so terribly

But is just a wish as HG is real as your own skin

PC: The Internet

#HGAD2020

#2020visionHG

From the depth of AYENYO Joanita